The year 2009 didn't go so well as i expected.

Especially the month of February.

I never thought that I'm goona to end up like this.

February 2009 was the worst month of my life.

I almost lost everything.

1. No income.

2. One of my classmate died in an accident.

3. One of my teacher I know died too.

4. I lost my love one.

5. My 2 maple id been hacked by people.

6. My e-mail nearly hacked by people too.

7. ???

 

What is next?

Could it be?

My SPM result?

This sounds crap but it's all true.

It's totally disaster to me.

Everything happened so fast.

Nonetheless, the only things left were the memories.

February 2009 sucks?

Indeed...

If,

out of time i could pick one moment and keep it shinning,

always new,

of all the days that i have lived,

i'd pick the moment i met you.

I miss those days.

When we were inside the class.

We chat. We laugh. We smile. We joke.

Those were the happy days.

I miss my schooling days.

I miss my friends.

Mike, Jon, Rene, Sam, Pou, PCK, Ong, Justin, Amy, Cecilia, Chloe, David, Fang Hua, Helen, Aibee, Hirman, Erma,Triple K, Kok Poh, Lina, Dieh, Q Hui, Sjafril, Teck, Wei King, Yek, Rima, Karam and others.

I really enjoy those days but not nowadays.

 

Back to old days.

Living like a bat.

Turning my days up and down.

Sleep at morning, wake up at night.

Didn't sms for the whole day long.

Felt sleepy. Felt bored. Felt lonely. Felt miserable.

No mood at all, unhappy and unsatisfy with my life.

Quit Maple after logging for few minutes because not in the mood.

Everyday doing the same thing - sleep, eat, bath.

Maybe because I'm jobless or something bothering me.

Sick of my damn life.

 

Relationship?

It's like the share marketing.

It rises and drops very quickly.

Relationship with friends? Maybe still keep in touch.

Relationship with gf?? It's freezing.

Everyone was connected or link to each other.

Some how they were connected.

It's just like their destiny to meet together and to be friend.

It looks like they all were part of the circle, they can't run away from the circle.

Each of them know themselves.

And each of them know theirs friends.

It's very weird for me as I can't believe what my eyes saw.

Because sometimes what you have seen may not be true.

My eyes were telling me that all of them were connected.

Unbelieveable...

 

This few day not in the mood.

I felt that everything piss me off.

Even the Valentine Day event.

I'm jobless now.

Thanks god I had quit the awful and pathetic job from the Sing Kwong Stupidmarket.

Everyday stay at home and watching my computer's monitor.

Log into the messenger and do nothing.

Go to the Friendster website and do nothing.

Play Maple the freaking game.

Look at my mobile contact list and do nothing.

Lay on my sofa and do nothing.

Some how I felt that I had no mood in everything.

I didn't learn how to drive car yet.

No idea what am I doing.

Worrying about my future and money too.

Indeed, money is not the roof of evil but money is the source of happiness.

I wish that I could just stay away from my house.

So that I could relax at other places, relaxing my mind, not to worry about anything.

I just wondering, am I gonna continue my miserable life like this?

Here comes the Valentine Day.

First time ever celebrating with my love one.

No idea how to celebrate and what to give.

But after thinking, planning and surveying for quite a long time, finaly had the idea.

Nothing is gonna to stop me now.

All I want was just to make her happy.

The way she smile...the way she talk...the way she looked at me...so gentle and beautiful.

Still headache with present that I want to give.

Hope that didn't over my budget.

 

When we were at home, who help us?

Our parent.

But when we were outside, who help us?

It's them, whom we called our "brother" and "sister".

Sometime, when we were in some difficult situation and we need help, we asked help from them.

Certainly, I doesn't see this kind of "phenomena" around me.

Most of the time, when I asked for help, many of my "brothers" ran away.

Should I consider them as my "brother"?

I used to believe in friendship and brotherhood.

But not now.

After what I have been through, It's difficult.

I tried to believe them...

Nonetheless, I doubt the word "believe".

Do you know the reason?

It's because there was "lie" between the word "believe"...

 

It's difficult to believe that after I had stop schooling, I almost lost all the contact with my friends.

Although we got mobile phone, that is what we human beings used to keep in touch with each other.

But we human beings were totally brainless because didn't use it.

That were really sad and pathetic.

Anthony De Croud once said,

"money can buy house, but not home;

money can buy watch, but not time;

money can buy bed, but not sleep;

money can buy books, but not knowledges;

money can buy medicine, but not health;

money can buy position, bu tno respect;

money can buy blood, but not life."

Indeed, these were true long time ago.

But in the reality, it's ridiculous.

Although money can't buy everything but in the reality world, money almost can buy anything.

Money is important.

Without money, you could die of hunger.

In these few days, i just realise that I spent a lot of money.

A lot of it.

Can you imagine?

I was an ordinary guy that works  as part time worker but spent money like turning the water tap and let the water running.

In a final note, Anthony De Croud was wrong.

Money can buy home, a comfortable home for your family, so that you can live happily with your family.

Money can buy time, because it makes you do your thing faster and easier.

Money can buy sleep, you can do your thing faster and easier so that you can sleep earlier.

Money can buy knowledges, you can buy a lot of books for you to read and gain your knowledges.

Money can buy health, you can treat your sickness and buy healthy food to eat.

Money can buy respect, people respect you if you got money.

Money can buy life, life was easier with money.

These were written by me, Louis Lee Shao Jun, not Anthony De Croud.

I never thought I'm losing my friends so fast.

I had finished my Form 5 and didn't contact with my classmates anymore.

I got most of my classmates' numbers but I neither call nor sms them.

Sometime I did send messages to them, but I didn't get any respond.

Some of them also got my numbers but didn't stay connected with me.

The worst thing was many of them did go to national service.

And I didn't go for national service because I'm not the chosen one.

How lucky I'm...

Some people did said after you found your soulmate, you would lost all your good friends, buddy.

I never believe in those things but after I experienced it, I can't believe it.

So, I'm losing all my good friends, my buddy.

Currently working.

And the job sucks.

I had to stand for around 9 hours everyday.

I works as a packer that pack all the things into the plastic bags.

Actually my job was the same as a labour.

I do all the stuffs.

Mopping, packing, pushing the trolly, help customer to take the things and etc.

And yet my salary lower than a labour.

I thought working was more than fun than studying.

I guess I'm wrong.

My working hours were longer than my studing hours.

Today is the forth day I work.

Honestly, I felt bored from the second day.

Standing at the cashier counter there and was not allowed to sit.

Following people's order.

No matter he or she was a supervisor or not, I had to follow.

For the past four days, today was the most tired.

The first day, I felt a bit tired.

The second day, I felt a bit tired and boring.

The third day, I felt it was boring.

And the forth day, I felt super boring and tired.

When I went back home, I really felt annoying after seeing my house was so messy.

I can't say they are brainless because they were better in their study.

Just that when you looked at my house, don't said they are brainless people.

After reading newspapers, throwing on the floor.

The new clothes my mom bought for them, also throwing on the floor.

Their books and school bag, for nearly one and a half month, still at my living room.

NO idea what the hell they were doing for the past holidays.

It's pathetic to live inside this kind of house.

I tried to clean up everything.

But I failed to.

Because everytime after I had cleaned up everything, the house back to "normal" after a few days.

Don't said I just tried for 1 time, because I had tried for many times.

And I had gived up already.

It's tired and pathetic.

Human are weak.

Maybe in their appearance they are strong, but they are weak.

I was weak.

For some reasons, I always get sick.

I tried to be strong but not strong enough.

I wanna to be strong so that I won't be looked down.

Indeed, I was weak.

I tried to control my feelings.

Not to cry, so that not to be weak.

I couldn't do that.

I tried to help other people.

To share their pains with me, to share their sadness with me.

Nonetheless, I was weak and unable to complete my task.

I was weak in comforting people.

I may be strong in my appearance but weak in my heart.

Everyone had their own weakness.

Not to be mentioned, strong people had their weakness too.

When people were sad, my feeling was down and I was sobbing inside my heart.

I can't tell you that kind of feeling but It's really hurts.

Just like your heart was full with torns.

It's painful...

Everyone need soulmate.

Even gay or lesbian also need.

Soulmate represent your life.

You live together with him or her.

And share the happiness and sadness together.

He or she will brings you happiness.

Try to avoid quarreling with him or her.

Because he or she is the one you love.

Currnetly I had found mine.

Hope that live happily after that.

Just like the stories inside the books.

 

Friendships are important too.

You need friends when you are bore, sad, happy or whatever.

So that you can share together.

I always questioned myself.

What is the real friendship?

Friendship is the kind of relationship who is using each other?

Can we call the people friend when he or she will only find you when he or she need help or in trouble?

He or she didn't chat or sms to you but only find you when he or she need help?

Think about it.

Those people are your friends or not.

 

Maybe everyone of you love your family.

So do I.

But sometimes I hate them.

Maybe because we quarrel.

Or the real reasons are their stupid attitude.

I just can't stand their nonsense attitude.

It's really pathetic.

Making me sad.

They just can't understand my feelings.

They were making me sad or angry just to entertain themselves.

When I was anry or sad, they were happy.

Should we call them our family.

Or we shouldn't?

They were likely insane or mad.

Like moron.

But I still love them like always.

My siblings.

2 days to go before I could do whatever I want.

1 more subject to go on thursday.

EST. The subject that need a lot of info about science.

I hate to write the essay of EST.

It's because I always had poor time management.

Plus, I didn't know what else to write.

Always had an empty mind when I wrote essays.

A1? A2? It's hard?

Most of the people said it's hard to score for A for EST.

Nonetheless, one of my friends said always aim for the best, A1.

What will I get when I didn't get A?

Disappoitment. And it hurts. A lot.

I didn't mind if my result is A1 or A2.

As long it's an A. I accept it.

A1 or A2 doesn't matter for me.

If I get A2 for all the subjects, I'll be damn happy.

If not, here come the disappointment.

Next year in March I'm gonna to get my SPM result.

Hope that there is still ways for me to take.

Hope that form 6 wasn't waiting for me.

Kiss on the lips = I love you

Kiss on the ear = You're special

Kiss on the nose = Laughter

Kiss on the cheek = Friendship

Kiss on the forehead = I comfort you

Kiss on the neck = I want you

Kiss on the shoulder = You're wonderful

Kiss anywhere else = Be careful

Play around with hair = Can't live without you

Holding hands = Happiness

Arms around waist = You're mind or I need you

A hug = I care

Nibble on ear = Start warming

Smiling at each other = I like you

Lifting up eyebrows or wink = Flirtation

Looking around = Hiding true feelings

Tender kiss on the side of your lips = You're mine

Wetting your lips = Waiting for a kiss

Tear drop = I'm losing you

Crying = I lost you

Hope is a thing that will bring you down.
Your desire make you putting your hope as the top priority.
And your hopelessness gave you disappointment.
Sobness rules your life after hopelessness and disappointment bring you down.
Trust me, never believe that there was a hope.
I used to think there was always hope waiting for me.
At the end, hopelessness were waiting for me.
You felt disappinted whe nyour hope was gone.
Sometimes hope was a good thing.
Nonetheless, it was a bad thing after all.
My advice is don't ever believe in hope.
It is because there is no such thing as hope.
It is only a lie that manipulate people's mind.
Hope equal to hopelessness and disappointment.
Realisticallt, hope didn't exist at all.
Hope only exist in your virtual world.
Seek for hope?
Give me a break.
Please, stop killing me with hope!

Anger?  Jealousy? Selfishness? Lying?

Which human don't have these?

Tell me if he or she don't have this.

 

Anger.

You will show your anger when you are not in the mood.

When you are upset or what.

You will have the bad time at this very moment.

Bad mood and attitude.

Maybe you will hurt other people's heart by saying something that were not nice to hear.

Control yourself and don't let this happen.

 

Jealousy.

You will envy of something that you don't have.

You can't resist your envious.

It's human nature that everyone have this.

Nonetheless, don't ever let your jealousy control you.

Don't let it ruin your life.

 

Selfishenss.

We are the human that were very selfish.

We didn't care about others people opinion or view.

We didn't listen to theirs view.

We are very selfish because only care about others people.

We should change it.

 

Lies.

We can't admit that human's life are full with lies.

We said lies everyday.

Sometime just to cover something.

I hate people saying lies.

Just be honest with me, but not telling me lies.

Because...when i knew you're telling lies, it's very disappointed.

It break my heart and my feelings.

Stop giving those bullshit excuses to me!

It's a sin if you tell a lie.

Don't ever lie to me.

Be honest with me......

Please......be honest with me......

It's durian season again.

I guess asian like durians, especially Malaysian.

They will do anything just to eat durians.

Guess what?

I hate durians!

Moreover, I'm Asian and also a Malaysian. LOL.

All my family member like durians except me.

And now, my house was full of the smell of durians.

I hate it.

Don't ask me whether I ate durians before.

Yes, I did.

A long long time ago.

I still remember that awful memories.

I couldn't wash or brush away the stink smell.

After that, I had never ever eat any durians.

I guess I'm a weirdo.

Anyone hate durians excpet me?

Adults alway think they were right in everythings.

They never think what would happen because of their silly action.

Sometime adults think that they were so smart in everything and they make mistakes even though they were wrong.

At the last minutes, they were wrong.

Nonetheless, they never admit it.

It's the same go to teachers.

Don't think that they were teachers they were right in everythings.

Man makes mistake.

Think twice before you said something that may hurts other people feelings.

It's really pathetic.

It's important to keep your promises.

You should never ever break your promises.

I hate those people that had never kept their promises.

It's pathetic and hurts my feelings.

The  awful and painful feelings.

If you said you gonna to do something, you better do it.

Kept your promises equal to people entrust you.

For example, when you borrowing money from your friends, and you promise that you would pay them, you better paid them.

Thats why when I borrowing money to my friends, I would ask for a date when they were going to pay me back.

Keep your promises please.

There are some spaces inside my heart.

I tried to full fill that spaces.

But I couldn't.

And I'm waiting for someone to do that.

I always felt emptiness inside my heart.

The emptiness lead to my loneliness.

 

Recently, I had just read a book.

Some of the content of the book told me that never try to hide your feeling.

Just say it out.

It will make you feel better.

 

For me, sitting in front of the computer, you can do anything.

Gaming, surfing for information, online banking, e-mailing, chatting, studying, and so many more.

Most of the people nowadays can't live without computer.

Without computer they will die.

It's the same to the person without mobilephone.

If a businessman didn't has mobilephone, how he can do his business?

He will probably been laugh.

Given the nickname - The businessman that without mobilephone.

 

It's the second trial of SPM.

Studying was torturing me.

But I still had to study.

One more week to go.